I just pynch a tree in the face
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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