I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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