I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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