I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
