So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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