why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
