do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
