I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
