I hate your face
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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