I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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