im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
