What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
