Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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