if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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