I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
