God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
