I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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