we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize