i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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