I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
