A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
