Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
