so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
