I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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