Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
