I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
