just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm having to shit out rocks
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
