textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
