So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
