dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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