So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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