if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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