I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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