Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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