Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
