I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
