so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
its liver damage thursday
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