She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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