what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
