Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
