I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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