what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
