Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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