Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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