the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
