you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
