im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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