I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
