I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
operation have a gay friend backfired
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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