just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
