Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
