sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
