Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
